I am trying to write something here, but all I am sharing space with is a void, more so like one of those dogs who are too lazy to budge out of your way, with his nose touching your car headlights. I agree it’s all a matter of inertia, something which resists you from changing your state of laze, an utterly perplexed and numbing condition where you stay down like a dog with fever … disoriented and confused … yet taking in all the good scent that comes your way.
There is so much to write about when you come to think of it. But the slosh that’s cooking in my head is steaming hot…it all seems interesting like that new recipe you may on one of those … eager to try but unsure of how it would turn out at the same time. Most of it revolves around my friends, my family and the girl who loves me. My friends think I won’t make it ( I have no idea what they mean when they say so because of that stupid smile they wear while saying it.) My parents are clueless about me. They have a hard time catching up with me and my thoughts and they never seem to stop worrying. I have always been of particular interest to them since I have always been a queer…never predictable, mostly silent ( quite annoyingly so) and always in some sort of trouble, since I feel at home with some trouble thrown in! It warms my heart when they fret about me…I know they always will since I am never going to change. I hope to put a few of their doubts at least to rest one day, emerging the stable guy who has his head in the right place and has a clue as to what he wants! But till then, I will just enjoy all attention.
My father is the one who worries most…maybe he sees the shadow of himself in me. He of all understands that I am different, even if I am myself not sure in which way! He keeps telling me that I should write and draw, connect with all that is there inside me. I strongly believe he has a point because all the problems that I use in my life are those that have come up from within me. It took me all these years to understand the simple fact that I had managed to stay unacquainted with myself , and that I chose to ignore the “me” inside my head and all that he said or felt. I waved him away like some apparition my fertile mind conjured up, but failed to understand that he was the only greatest truth that was there to me. I thought I could override my “me” and do things the way others do, see things the way they do and be more like others. I tried listening to and following others’ advice I had myself locked up with his mouth taped shut. I was never a sharing guy!! “Me” has been there for so long, cooped up in a corner, not to be heard, set down to be talked to. I set him free. Turns out he hasn’t lost any of his strength and he claims he has always been this way ready to help me with anything I needed. So I accepted “me”’s friendship and we are going through things pretty decently. I know a lot of things now, all the things “me” shared with me, man to man.
He says he was freed by the girl who loves me. I usually do not prefer to agree with “me” on this, since I am on a ride to self empowerment, but I cann’t help but come to terms with it. She urged me to be with myself. I was slowly made to feel that “me” was an important guy, quite contrary to what I believed earlier. My father often told me so, but I never took anyone seriously. The girl who loves me did me a favour and got me to bond with “me”!! I think she’s a cool person having done so. Quite an intelligent and agreeable person…this girl who loves me. “Me” also told me I was being selfish. That I always have been. I never worried for the father who worried so much (for me)! Giving back is essential, he told me, with a strong tone of authority ( I have still to come to terms with this more). I decided to give my family time, just as I share space with “me” and the girl who loves me. She doesn’t mind “me” coming between me and her.